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December 15, 2004

Illegal Immigration

Michael Blowhard writes:

Dear Blowhards --

This "Onion"-spirited piece by Columbus Dispatch columnist Joe Blundo made me laugh a few times:

Canada Busy Sending Back Bush-Dodgers

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus
among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.

"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk." Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in
which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.

In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers.

"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said.

"We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."

"... renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies" -- that's pretty funny. The Dispatch's site is here.



posted by Michael at December 15, 2004


Where O where is Thomas Wolfe when they need him:

O waste of loss, in the hot mazes, lost, among bright stars on this most weary unbright cinder, lost! Remembering speechlessly we seek the great forgotten language, the lost lane-end into heaven, a stone, a leaf, an unfound door. Where? When? O lost and by the wind grieved, ghost, come back again.

Or, to quote a hollywood hack:

Come back Shane. Shane. Come back.

Posted by: ricpic on December 15, 2004 10:50 PM

Gosh...I'm really lost in this comments thread. I'm sure Thomas Wolfe is saying something really smart that I can't follow as it pertains to Canada...How is it that all the escapees of the piece are supposedly underpaid lit profs who apparently drive volvos and drink expensive wines? (But it is a funny article...)

Posted by: annette on December 16, 2004 4:58 AM

"How many art-history majors does one country need?"


Posted by: JT on December 16, 2004 10:23 AM

I'm still giggling over the "good Susan Sarandon movies" line. Not just any old Susan Sarandon movies; just the good ones.

Posted by: Michael Blowhard on December 16, 2004 11:23 AM

Thanks a million for this one, Mr. Blowhard - being myself a dyed-in-the-wool Bellingham resident, it hit on every angle I could imagine! Except possibly the lucrative trade of bootlegged DVDs of Sideways. And I'd have said "OLD Volvo station wagons".

Posted by: Rob Asumendi on December 16, 2004 11:47 AM

He had me right up until, "In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them."

Clearly, that should have been, "...but the liberals sued for equal access under the 'Ontarians with Disabilities Act'. Noting the obvious nature of the disability, the court issued an emergency restraining order."

Posted by: Doug Sundseth on December 16, 2004 1:55 PM

And they say wit is dead.

Posted by: MLE on December 16, 2004 3:54 PM

"He had me right up until..."

Hmm. No Canadian would have got past "Red Greenfield". An obvious made-up name. But the whole premise was obviously fake - we'll take all the Bush-dodgers you send us, and happily. Some of my neighbours are Bush-dodgers (come to think of it, one of them's an art history major...)

btw, Manitoba ain't in Ontario.

Posted by: Derek Broughron on December 24, 2004 9:12 AM

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