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June 06, 2003

A Fistful of Dinars


I was going through some of my old emails today and noticed two that seemed somehow connected. Both emails contained excerpts from stories that had appeared in the New York Times. The first was from the May 5 edition:

In the hours before American bombs began falling on the Iraqi capital, one of President Saddam Hussein's sons and a close adviser carried off nearly $1 billion in cash from the country's Central Bank, according to American and Iraqi officials here. The removal of the money, which would amount to one of the largest bank robberies in history, was performed under the direct orders of Mr. Hussein, according to an Iraqi official with knowledge of the incident…

Neither Iraqi nor American officials claimed to know the whereabouts of the $1 billion or, for that matter, of Saddam Hussein, Qusay Hussein or Mr. Mahmood. All three men are being sought by the United States. The Iraqi official insisted on anonymity because, he said, he feared that he could fall victim to Mr. Hussein or one of his associates who remain at large.

The next was a movie review from May 25:

The newly restored version of "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" has three scenes not included in the American release; they were dubbed into English for the first time last year, after Mr. Eastwood and Mr. Wallach made time to record them. These additions give each of the characters a bit more screen time, but overall serve only to increase the dazed lunacy of the chase for the gold, which becomes a slapstick comedy with a gun permit.

Suddenly my mind began to wander…

A little meeting at Baath Party HQ in downtown Bagdad…

(Wild Applause)

Saddam Hussein: Well, boys, now that the Americans are about to invade, I suppose you’d like to know my plan.
Audience (off): You bet!

Saddam Hussein (off): A few days ago I sent a trusted associate to the National Bank of Iraq to make a little withdrawal.
Associate: “I’d like a billion dollars. Small bills, please.”

Saddam Hussein (off): It was a tidy sum…so large, in fact that it took several hours to load the truck! Don’t worry, I had all of the workers shot.

Saddam Hussein(off): It will be plenty to keep all of us in luxury for life in some friendly vacation retreat, so relax and have no fear. I’ve arranged a little show for you. Enjoy!

Baath Party Loyalists: Ah, Saddam, we knew you’d think of something! Come, join in the fun!

Saddam Hussein: Oh, don’t worry about me. I’ll be there as soon as I finish my target practice. (Suckers!)
(SFX:) Loud Explosion

Saddam Hussein (off): What a bunch of morons! No wonder my little schemes for world domination never worked out. Ah, but no crying over spilt milk. (Sings:) On the road, again...da da da da da....on the road again...

One month later at U.S. Army HQ in Iraq...

General Franks: So that's how it is. We seem to have a maniacal ex-dictator wandering around out in the Iraqi desert with $1 billion in cash and a truckload full of weapons of mass destruction. We're having a hard time finding him, so we need someone with your, er, special expertise.

Blondie: Hmmmm. Saddam over here, the U.S. army over there, and me in the middle. There's money to be made in a situation like that.

Music cue: Ahahahah!....bum! bum! bum!...

And then I woke up.



posted by Friedrich at June 6, 2003


Looks to me like the Bushies may very well need The Man With No Name. If you throw J.R. Ewing in, and the Bad Guy from the original "Die Hard" (Alan Rickman), they'd probably come back with Hussein, Bin Laden, the loot and and the weapons in about 48 hours!! But then they'd all have to kill each other...

Posted by: annette on June 6, 2003 8:10 PM

Hahaha haw *splutter*.

Thanks, Friederich! That definitely made my day!

Posted by: Felicity on June 7, 2003 1:39 AM

Friedrich, you just came up with the premise for the first big, blockbuster movie of 2005!

"It'll be funny?" "Yeah. It'll be funny."

Just remember to take your percentage off the gross, not the net ...

Posted by: Tim Hulsey on June 7, 2003 2:52 AM

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